Oops, We did it again
I haven't written in years and a lot in life has changed.
Myla is 6. Everly is 4. Beatrix is 2. And Surprise... I'm 5 weeks pregnant.
Each of the girls were very much planned. We tried to conceive as soon as we felt able and none were a surprise, but this little gem growing inside me brings a whole host of new.
After Bea was born, my sex drive was ... lacking. 3 babies, a full time job, feeling icky in my own skin... it was not the best combination. After speaking with my CNM, she gave me some pointers and one was to try and just go for it anyway and see if it stirs something along the way. And alas... with that in mind, I find myself pregnant with number 4.
The comedy in this is that on the day I ran to the store to purchase 2 pregnancy tests, Paul came home and announced he had made an appointment at the urologist for a vacectomy AND we received a letter in the mail that my CNM would be leaving my doctor office location which was already a bit far.
I cried, I was really down, and I really mourned the loss of what I imagined my life to be. A year after Bea was born, I was still not 100% sure I was ready to stop growing our family, but as 1 became 2, it was clear that our family was just about perfect. I had grappled with knowing I'd never breast feed again, or grow a baby in my belly, I knew I'd never care for a newborn and it saddened me. But I felt I was ready to enter this next season of life and I prepared myself (as one does before their husband gets a vacectomy). When I found out I was pregnant, I had to mourn once again, for I'd already prepared myself... I'd already worked myself up into this new reality. And I was excited for it.
It has now been about a week since I learned I was carrying a child and I'm no longer sad (most of the time). I'm a bit upset I got rid of every piece of baby and maternity item I owned, but hey, we'll figure that out. I'm a bit sad that this baby will have a larger age gap than the girls before. I'm a little sad we booked a trip to Cabo for Paul's work and now I'm fearful of going because of Zika. I'm a little sad that all I wanted to do in 2020 was fill our life with adventure and some of those adventures aren't conducive to babies or pregnant mommies. But I'm also excited to see this kiddos step up to the plate and welcome another baby into our family.
Have you ever seen the love Myla can pour from within her? It's truly something magical to witness how hard she can love. That love can be directed at any number of people, but when you are blessed enough to witness it, it can bring gooseflesh to your arms it is so strong. You cannot help but think she is something extra special.
Everly is a different kind of sister. If you need her, she will always be there, but she will not coddle you the way Myla will... she will hug you and then immediately help you pull up your bootstraps and get back to the business of having fun. I cannot help but think she's a bit like me. She has this amazing trait of being able to seamlessly transition between big sister and little sister. She is inclusive and her biggest challenge has been falling below the 42 inch height measurement that seems to be the requirement at all ropes courses, waterslides, and amusement parks. Sleeping through the night is still a challenge for Everly, but she is proudly working on her sticker chart. I'm hopeful she gets that figured out before this new little terror arrives.
And then there is Beatrix. Bea is her own sort of tempest. She comes in strong, loud and full of personality, but she is simultaniously scared, shy and grabs on for dear life. She is full of jealousy and wants her mama all to herself, not even sharing with her sister (and Everly would admitedly crawl right back into my belly and live there forever so this proves difficult many days). She is spoiled... oh so spoiled by her tired parents and her 2 very protective sisters. She gets what she wants when she wants it and oh boy is this baby going to rock her world. She isn't independent, she very much wants help in everything she does and she wants to be that baby forever.
And then there is Paul and myself... We are stronger than ever. We found balance we didn't have a year ago. One of us putting our career aside has been necessary to bring some type of balance into our house. We weren't sure who it would be and assumed it would be Paul but due to circumstance it became me. And in the end, it's helped. We've found we are able to support each other in ways we weren't before. But Paul works hard, and long hours, and those hours are often interfering with our time together so ... though we found more balance, we aren't quite balanced yet. Its a work in progress and I imagine it's the way marriage works for enternity ... you are forever working on it to make it better, to love harder, and to always be better for each other.
Well, here we go, 2020! I thought this year you'd give us adventures down south and instead you've brought us adventures right here in our home. I think we are up for the challenge, but God? Please give us grace because even though we are up for the challenge and excited for this blessing, we know we will fall along the way.
Myla is 6. Everly is 4. Beatrix is 2. And Surprise... I'm 5 weeks pregnant.
Each of the girls were very much planned. We tried to conceive as soon as we felt able and none were a surprise, but this little gem growing inside me brings a whole host of new.
After Bea was born, my sex drive was ... lacking. 3 babies, a full time job, feeling icky in my own skin... it was not the best combination. After speaking with my CNM, she gave me some pointers and one was to try and just go for it anyway and see if it stirs something along the way. And alas... with that in mind, I find myself pregnant with number 4.
The comedy in this is that on the day I ran to the store to purchase 2 pregnancy tests, Paul came home and announced he had made an appointment at the urologist for a vacectomy AND we received a letter in the mail that my CNM would be leaving my doctor office location which was already a bit far.
I cried, I was really down, and I really mourned the loss of what I imagined my life to be. A year after Bea was born, I was still not 100% sure I was ready to stop growing our family, but as 1 became 2, it was clear that our family was just about perfect. I had grappled with knowing I'd never breast feed again, or grow a baby in my belly, I knew I'd never care for a newborn and it saddened me. But I felt I was ready to enter this next season of life and I prepared myself (as one does before their husband gets a vacectomy). When I found out I was pregnant, I had to mourn once again, for I'd already prepared myself... I'd already worked myself up into this new reality. And I was excited for it.
It has now been about a week since I learned I was carrying a child and I'm no longer sad (most of the time). I'm a bit upset I got rid of every piece of baby and maternity item I owned, but hey, we'll figure that out. I'm a bit sad that this baby will have a larger age gap than the girls before. I'm a little sad we booked a trip to Cabo for Paul's work and now I'm fearful of going because of Zika. I'm a little sad that all I wanted to do in 2020 was fill our life with adventure and some of those adventures aren't conducive to babies or pregnant mommies. But I'm also excited to see this kiddos step up to the plate and welcome another baby into our family.
Have you ever seen the love Myla can pour from within her? It's truly something magical to witness how hard she can love. That love can be directed at any number of people, but when you are blessed enough to witness it, it can bring gooseflesh to your arms it is so strong. You cannot help but think she is something extra special.
Everly is a different kind of sister. If you need her, she will always be there, but she will not coddle you the way Myla will... she will hug you and then immediately help you pull up your bootstraps and get back to the business of having fun. I cannot help but think she's a bit like me. She has this amazing trait of being able to seamlessly transition between big sister and little sister. She is inclusive and her biggest challenge has been falling below the 42 inch height measurement that seems to be the requirement at all ropes courses, waterslides, and amusement parks. Sleeping through the night is still a challenge for Everly, but she is proudly working on her sticker chart. I'm hopeful she gets that figured out before this new little terror arrives.
And then there is Beatrix. Bea is her own sort of tempest. She comes in strong, loud and full of personality, but she is simultaniously scared, shy and grabs on for dear life. She is full of jealousy and wants her mama all to herself, not even sharing with her sister (and Everly would admitedly crawl right back into my belly and live there forever so this proves difficult many days). She is spoiled... oh so spoiled by her tired parents and her 2 very protective sisters. She gets what she wants when she wants it and oh boy is this baby going to rock her world. She isn't independent, she very much wants help in everything she does and she wants to be that baby forever.
And then there is Paul and myself... We are stronger than ever. We found balance we didn't have a year ago. One of us putting our career aside has been necessary to bring some type of balance into our house. We weren't sure who it would be and assumed it would be Paul but due to circumstance it became me. And in the end, it's helped. We've found we are able to support each other in ways we weren't before. But Paul works hard, and long hours, and those hours are often interfering with our time together so ... though we found more balance, we aren't quite balanced yet. Its a work in progress and I imagine it's the way marriage works for enternity ... you are forever working on it to make it better, to love harder, and to always be better for each other.
Well, here we go, 2020! I thought this year you'd give us adventures down south and instead you've brought us adventures right here in our home. I think we are up for the challenge, but God? Please give us grace because even though we are up for the challenge and excited for this blessing, we know we will fall along the way.
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