The Empty Cup

I’m struggling today.  My husband is taking ½ day Wednesdays to try and be there more for the kids.  But you do not get to neglect them during your work hours and then step it up when those work hours are done.  They are 2.5, almost 5 and 6.  They aren’t teenagers.  They still need their parents. 

Setting expectations and sticking to them is a new necessary requirement.  We don’t get to tell our wife we will end our work day at 5 and then let it slip to 5:15.  We don’t get to tell our kids we can go out and play and then take it back.  We don’t get to tell our kids that we will be there in 10 minutes and let 30-45 minutes pass by.  It’s not fair to them. 

And the expectations being put on us are not fair to us.  There is pressure on all of us simply because there is a fucking virus out there infecting people we care about, killing some of them and ravaging others.  We are not teachers able to educate our children the same way our teachers can (that’s why we send our kids to school!).  We cannot be expected to be just as productive at work while raising our children, let alone with the stressors that this pandemic in and of itself is causing.  And we cannot assume that people’s sole juggle is parenting and work… there is a really huge emotional struggle to feel motivated, to not allow anxiety and worry to consume you, and grief... there is so much fucking grief. 

I am grieving the 2020 I thought I’d have… restarting my career and finding the right balance.  That was shattered when I found out I was pregnant.  So I allowed myself to grieve alone while trying to find some light.  I found that light in booking a ton of travel experiences to do as a couple or with the family.  Those trips have all been cancelled as a result of COVID-19.  So again, I grieve for a year that would have been.  And I’m grieving this pregnancy.  I’m not basking in the glow of pregnancy, I’m not feeling good, I’m not able to be pampered, my husband doesn’t rub my feet or my back.  I’m in this alone… as I’ve been alone for every pregnancy after the fist.  Only this time, my emotional state is that much more fragile, and I don’t even have work, my friends or my extended family to learn on.  I can continue to tell myself that I should look on the bright side… it could be worse, and it very well could be worse.  I’m grateful for our health, our ability to be home together safe.  However, I can also grieve and I’m grieving right now.  

And I’m grieving for my marriage because as much as we are both trying… we haven’t found a way to fill each other’s cups.  We are giving so much of ourselves but we are still falling short of giving each other what the other needs.  We are barely getting there for our kids … but I’m grateful we are doing just enough to keep their smiles shining bright and their innocence still intact.